New Year's Revolution! Not a Typo!

I had lunch with one of the most wonderful women in my life yesterday. Her name is Dr. Loucrecia Collins, and she has life figured out as far as I'm concerned.  Whenever I spend time with her I leave with a deep-seated belief that I am better than what I probably really am. She brings out the best in me...the part that dreams, hopes, believes life is full of wonder and possibilities. She is, quite simply, a gift from God.

She asked me why I haven't blogged lately. I haven't blogged because, frankly, I figured nobody really cares what I have to say. I also haven't blogged because I tend to get carried away and reveal too much of myself. But as I was talking to Dr. C yesterday at lunch I said, "I guess my life is mine to reveal or not to reveal as I please. It's mine. I'm pretty much an open book...and it's my book. Period."

That may make my children a little nervous, but I don't really think so. I promise I won't reveal anything about them except how wonderful, beautiful, smart, articulate, and accomplished they are. Surely they can't object to that.

The rest is all mine, mine, mine. It's a New Year's Revolution...Thank you Dr. Collins...my sister friend. I love you dearly.

For My Over a Certain Age Friends...What is Beauty?

I recently read a post on a website I visit dedicated to women of a certain age. Some of the posts make me blush, some make me think, some make me sad...some a little angry. The one that made me think asked the question...Are You Beautiful? I had to stop and think about that which is never a good sign. I've always been overly critical of myself. I lament extra pounds, sags ( for some reason wrinkles don't really bother me, but I hate sags), and wrong hair. I can't explain wrong hair; it has nothing to do with Lori who manages to cover my gray and give me a good cut. But I can't be sure every day that it won't be a bad hair day. I criticize myself if my house isn't company clean, if my car isn't clean, if I leave work undone on my desk at the end of the day...and if I've let my mouth and crazy sense of humor take over...even if just for a moment. See how good I am at pointing out all my faults? I am a master at self-criticism. Pity. So when the author of the post asked the question, I was interested to read the responses. And I realized that the very traits these women were posting that makes them feel beautiful are the very traits I find beautiful in my friends and in people I'd like to be friends with...and it's not about a perfect face or body or talent or material possessions or perfect houses or clothing although those things are admirable and worthy of note...especially our talents. Okay maybe I'm a little in awe of someone with great hair and a great body and who has it all together...but that's just icing on the cake. Good for you! The traits I find beautiful and would like to possess are compassion, patience, love, peace, wisdom, loyalty, a sense of adventure... I'll work on those because I too believe it's really not about the physical (but I'll still keep trying on that), it's about the spiritual and the abstract qualities that create true beauty. One trait I possess that I think makes me border on beautiful is my ability to laugh at myself...loudly and with abandon. What makes you beautiful?

Ladder Climbing Days Are Over

My ladder-climbing days are over. Not literally...figuratively. I can still climb a ladder to get on the roof if I want to...although I need some coaxing and coaching to climb down. The climb up is always easy...the climb down scares me. But I'm not scared of getting off the figurative ladder right where I am. There was a time when I was ambitious...when I wanted to get to the top of my profession...when where I was just wasn't good enough for me...or maybe satisfying is a better word. I've never considered myself particularly successful. Diligent...yes. Driven to succeed...yes. Hard working...yes. But the abstract idea of success has been elusive. Four college degrees...count them...4...including a Ph.D which still sits rolled up somewhere with a little coffee stain at the top. By some standards, that's successful...and good for those who have earned them, because they don't come cheap and they don't come easy. I think, in the back of my mind I thought that more education, a higher position...dare I say it...more stuff would make me feel like I had arrived. Where, I don't know. But the trip up was exhausting and not worth the sacrifice. And I still wasn't satisfied with myself. Gradually, over the course of a few months, after I have "simplified" as a friend calls it, after I have examined my life closely and found myself lacking in areas painful to acknowledge, I'm working on those areas more than the climb to the top. I'm working on peace, serenity,smiling, being grateful to God for the untold blessings He has given me and which I don't deserve, patience, charity, love, laughter...and a sweeter spirit. I have come to believe I have arrived at the key to my purpose and it has nothing to do with rungs on a figurative ladder. I don't want to be at the top of my profession...but I do want to be the best I can be in my profession. I don't want to posture for recognition...fame or fortune...the fame and fortune thing is a joke because I am in education...I don't want to jockey for position or whatever "up the ladder" is. I am finished climbing ladders. The view is great from right here.

Getting rid of stuff...

I am in full tilt get rid of stuff mode. I have been focused and relentless in purging closets, bookshelves, walls, and cabinets. This stuff has to go. Why is it that we spend the first part of our lives trying to accumulate things, money, people (oops...don't mean to offend) and then the next part of our lives trying to downsize? At least that's what I'm doing. Things: extra stuff that I thought I had to have like one more black suit, one more white blouse, one more sweater, bracelet, pair of shoes...okay...the shoes are necessary...one more latest and greatest fashion...when nobody really pays attention to what I wear. I have casserole dishes I use once in awhile, but only because I feel compelled to cook too much stuff at Thanksgiving or Christmas. If I had two casserole dishes, we wouldn't starve and I wouldn't think I have to turn into Paula Deen for a season. And everybody knows Paula has full-time help and I don't. I have a sewing machine and I can't sew...and will never learn. I have ugly lamps somebody talked me into a hundred years ago. I have 100 pairs of workout socks..although I wash clothes at least twice a week...and I work out three times a week. Do the math. I have flatwear for 24, but I never have more than 10 or 12 people to eat. Money: well, I haven't been great at accumulating money...partly because of all the stuff and partly because I love to travel. I'd rather have a precious memory and a great time than tons of money. Tons of money is really only good for one thing...helping people who need help who don't have tons of money. Remember Ebenezer Scrooge? So money and social position are of no real interest to me at all. Especially the social position thing. Talk about stressful. Wow. People: This one is tricky and difficult for me I will admit. I need people...we all do. But I really am scared. I'm afraid I will let someone down, be less than they expected, and fail...again. So maybe I'm not ready to deal with the people thing yet. I want an ordered, simple life. I don't want things to get in the way. I want calm, peaceful, contentedness (is that a word?) and I want to be joyful and good to be around. I guess what I want is less so I can be more.

Doing Nothing At All...

Americans certainly do busyness well. If you don't believe it, check Facebook. Or talk to someone about their weekend plans. Or listen to someone at work give you a rundown on everything they're doing or have done or are planning to do. And I wonder...why? Congratulations, you have a life. Or, in the case of work...maybe you're driving everybody nuts with your incessant descriptions of what you've accomplished (or not). I do my job very well, thank you. But if I spent my time telling everybody exactly what it is I do, I'd probably have to stay at work until 8:00 to actually DO my job. No, thank you. I'm going to do it and go home.

This new thing on Facebook - checking in every time you go somewhere or are with someone...why? The most interesting check-in I've heard about is checking in at church. Really? Who, except for God, really needs to know  you've just checked in at church? I do understand  in some cases you get a discount at a restaurant or business if you check in. Why? Do they think  just because someone checked in at Styx (which sounds slightly ominous to me anyway),  I'm going to throw on some decent clothes and run to eat there? Not likely.

So, my point is this: Does being really busy make us more content? Does being in the right place with the right people doing the right things validate our lives more so than if we just decide to spend some time in quiet contemplation?

I guess it depends on the person. I'm not making value judgments. I know some people who absolutely thrive on a full, hectic, crazy schedule. Or they appear to thrive on that...who really knows?

Recently I've spent a lot of time in quiet contemplation. I've prayed, read, watched the squirrels on the deck, watched my two new kittens destroy my house... And, I've decided I like the calm. I feel grounded and peaceful and centered.  And with those feelings comes a strong sense of power. I get to choose how busy or not busy I am. I decide the course of my life with a whole lot of input from God (I'm not quite to the turn everything over to God stage, but I'm working on it).

I don't feel pressured to be busy all the time or to be doing the right things with the right people at the right places and the right time. I just am enjoying talking to God without rushing through. And I'm enjoying sitting and waiting for Him to talk back.

So, I promise not to judge you if you're one of those people who is busy, busy, busy and loves it - good for you...if you won't judge me for doing nothing at all :-).

So. Who do I want to be?

My prayer for the last 26 years has been "Dear Lord, just let me live long enough to get my babies raised, successful, and happy. I don't want anyone taking care of them but me."

He answered that prayer, and for that I am thankful.

So. Now what? Everything I've read, everyone I've talked to says, "Well, now you have to figure out who you are." Easier said than done. You'd think at this stage of my life I would have figured that out. I haven't. I know what I'm not, which is a start. Who and what I'm not is pretty boring. I'm beginning to think that who I am is not as important as who I want to be. Here are things I like:

I love to spend time with my family. We're a pretty tight bunch.
I love the beach when it isn't 100 degrees.
I like my house to be clean, but I don't particularly like to clean it.
I love my job and I love to work...so shoot me. I love to work and I love my job.
I like to bake when I'm in the mood.
I don't care for television.
I like to watch Alabama football when we're winning. I hide in the bathroom when we're not,
and I put my fingers in my ears so I can't hear.
I like quiet and calm and no drama.
I love to travel for fun, but I don't like to travel for work.
I want to go back to Italy, Germany, Switzerland, France,Seattle, the Rockies,and a bunch of other places.

I love my friends, but I don't make time for them like I want to do.

So...maybe who I want to be is who I am. Maybe, in my case, I just need to stop trying to figure out who I want to be and just be Vicky. Maybe in this case...no change is necessary.

That was easy.

Two New Vibrant Women in My Life

Rose Ann Burnham Thompson, Pat Lake Grant, Linda Manning Grissom, Deb Buettner, Jenita Smith, Lorie Butler Black, Mama, Franzi Frieg, Christel Frieg, Grandma, Oma,Loucrecia Collins, Leah Keith, Sue Butler, Montez Butler, Wanda Hyatt, Jo Ann Sachs, Juliana Black Robertson,Debbie Garrison, Francie Abbott, Heidi Abbott, Courtney Thompson, Courtney Watts, Diane Barnett, Patsy Doherty...

How blessed am?

That's just the tip of the supportive female iceberg...women who have had a profound and lasting impact on my life. I have left someone out I know, and if it's you, I am sorry...like I said, this is just the tip.

Five of those women are gone,and that's so hard for me to believe. I guess that's one of the main reasons I'm determined to keep changing...so I can become a better person in honor of them. They left an indelible mark on my life, and I can't tell them, so all I can do is to be my best because they would expect that of me.

The good Lord keeps putting vibrant women in my path, and He always puts the exact ones I need. The latest two gifts from God are Amita Smith and Ann Maddox. I "inherited" them when I started my new position with Cullman County Schools. I think I had forgotten how to belly laugh. Work was stressful, home was stressful, and more often than not I found myself scowling instead of smiling. Nothing worse than an already aging face with a scowl to boot.

These two women are the funniest two women I've ever worked with. Don't get me wrong...we work and we are really good at what we do if I say so myself...but I have never laughed as much as I have the past few months. And I can't really remember what we laugh about...it's just that everything is funny.

I am so grateful for my women friends...and I consider my sister and my daughters and my niece my friends as well as my family. I am thankful for my dear long-time friends, and I am thankful for my new ones. I am one lucky girl.